Unconditional Nothing

I like to believe in the idea of unconditional love. It's a beautiful idea and I usually think of the love that exists between parent and child as the ultimate example of it. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Growing up on Disney movies I was taught that anyone can find unconditional love. As long as they were a princess and had some sort of horrible kidnapping/dragon-napping issue. Living in a tower was optional but preferred.

Apparently, Disney...is kind of a liar. I mean, they're great movies and I must admit, the music isn't half bad either (Under the Sea anyone? Just saying...)

The thing is, as I grow older and see more and more the things people do to each other, and themselves, in the name of love the less patience I have with bad decisions and selfishness. You see, people seem to think that just because they have contributed DNA to the life of a child, they are automatically entitled to that child's unconditional love.

I'm here to tell you, that is a crock. Don't believe the hype. Nobody deserves or receives unconditional love if they haven't held up their end of the bargain. Unconditional love cannot exist in a vacuum. If you don't feed and care for your relationship the way you would with a rose bush, you're not going to get the love you want.  If you're not aware of that you have definitely missed a memo.

What I have learned, through my practice and my life experiences is that there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

Relationships are a PRIVILEGE. They are not a right. You are not entitled to have a relationship with anyone, your children included. If you play games with the love your children have for you, they will one day wake up and see you for the selfish fraud that you are. They will be furious with you and ultimately, reject you. If your children are young and they see and hear things from you that are cruel, neglectful, abusive, or otherwise inappropriate, they aren't going to want to be around you. If you threaten your children, your spouse, or you ex-spouse with ridiculous court battles, or refuse to pay child support or follow court orders, they will not want anything to do with you. If you can't be consistent and call or visit when you are supposed to, if you make promises and don't keep them, they will resent you deeply.

And the worst - if you play the victim and refuse to treat your children with compassion, refuse to put their needs ahead of your own, and blame the whole world - them included - for your unhappiness and bad decisions, you don't deserve a relationship with them. You are doing nothing but destroy their childhoods and ensure I will never run out of clients.

Like all privileges, you can and will lose them based on your performance. Once those children (or friends or family members, work colleagues, confidantes, etc.) realize that you are not equal partners in your relationship and that you don't value them above your own selfishness, your privileges will be revoked. And good luck getting them back. Once a door is closed, it takes ten times the effort to crack it back open.

And let's face it, your track record? Sucks.

Nuff' said.

You're Not the Boss of Me

Random light bulb moment: 12th bday party with group of girls I'd been surrounded with forever.
Popular girl #1 "Why'd you invite us? Why didn't you invite your real friends?"

Mean girls (aka: bullies, "frenemies," or meanie pantsies) are at the top of my list of People Who Suck. Not that that girl was a mean girl. She wasn't really. She was just blunt as shit.

When it comes to growth and change, most parts of that journey are intolerable at first. When you've spent your life a natural people pleaser, being disliked is baffling, painful, and, scary. Not being liked by or friends with people I'd grown up with was as puzzling as it was painful. When I took the time to connect with who I was at that party, I finally saw my younger self didn't know there was another option besides just continuing to be nice and trying ignore the feeling of being not quite accepted. When I evaluated those relationships objectively and even talked to my therapist about it as an adult, the message received from all those relationships came through as "Look and act the part we want you to or you're out."

That shit still hasn't gone away completely and it probably never will. It's inevitable at some point in life, everyone will get this message. It preys on our deepest insecurities and fears and can render anyone mute. It works wonders to keep us frozen in place. It also guarantees we will resist cutting people out of our lives who aren't good for us, maybe they're even toxic. We fear if we hurt someone they will hurt us back, maybe they'll even stop loving/liking us. Maybe they'll even leave.

Learning that some things are worse than someone leaving you is the path to freedom. I have been guilty on so many occasions of keeping people in my life who were only there conditionally. As long as our relationship was all about them, we were besties. The moment I crossed them, however, or stopped doing things the way they liked them, relationship over.

The pisser is, I would feel guilty and hurt when these friends would not return phone calls or always have more important drama to attend to. I actually cared more about how they were feeling and what they were thinking than what I did. Inevitably, this led to certain friendships continuing long past their expiration date. Not everyone is meant to be friends forever. It's a great concept but when put into practice it seldom works out. Letting things stew for years, however, guaranteed that when those friendships ended they went down in flames instead of quiet dignity. I regret that part of things but I am grateful for not turning back around and trying to fix things, to mold myself back into whatever they wanted me to be.

A huge part of why I'm good at what I do is my ability to sense what people need me to be. Some folks need a cheerleader, others a parent, still others an antagonist. The lesson I learned in school of "Meet people from wherever they are at" resonated deeply with me then and still does to this day. When it comes to my work life, that is completely acceptable. Outside of the office, however, being what people want me to be can be exhausting. Not to mention much, much, too hard. Somewhere along the line, after the end of some particularly old friendships, I had to accept that all things have a start point and an end point. That although it was painful initially to end those relationships I was truly better off. These were people who'd long since stopped making me feel good about myself or around them.

Who needs people when I have a Paulie dog?

Opening myself up to the idea that I'm fine has been really new for me. I've stopped viewing myself as a failure over relationships that have ended badly and instead, try to stay focused and in the moment - no more ignoring or drifting off needed. Thoughts and feelings can hurt like hell at times but the good news is I'm the boss of them.

Something Terrible Happened

I love ice cream. Love it. And after a long, stressful day I would rather hang out with Ben&Jerry than pretty much anyone else.

So the other night, I was in the kitchen and had retrieved my Chocolate Therapy (actual flavor name) from the freezer and was about to grab a spoon from the drawer but, alas, there were no spoons to be had. Being a thinker, I turned to the obvious place for clean dishes - the dishwasher. I was like, mostly almost 100% sure the dishes in there were clean. I mean, there was no smell and things looked shiny so that was good enough for me.
I settled into my chair and commenced ice cream yummy time.

Upon my return to the kitchen to put the Chocolate Therapy away before I housed the entire thing without thinking about it, I felt a question tingle in the back of my mind.
When did I run the dishwasher? Why don't I remember? Hmm....
So, I opened it up and pulled out some other stuff.
The other stuff...wasn't clean. Or shiny.

But my spoon was shiny...how could that be?

Oh right. I usually let the dogs lick my spoon after using it. They're very thorough.

OH. My. EW.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my chair.
With my Listerine bottle close by.

Step Parents! It's Your Turn!

Dear Step Moms and Dads,

You people may just be the bravest, most optimistic, openhearted individuals EVER. Seriously. You met someone with kids from a previous relationship and managed to fall in love not only with your partner, but with their children. That is beautiful.

Unfortunately, however, it's no shocker blended families have it rough. Marriage is hard on its own, add in some less than thrilled kids and you have quite the combo. And what if you have children of your own you're bringing into the marriage? Where do they fit in? What if they don't get along with your partners children? What if your parenting styles are totally different? What if your kids hate your partner? What if your partner's kids hate you?? How do you handle baby mama/daddy drama - your own and/or your spouses?

So. Many. Variables.

You don't need me to tell you that kids hate divorce. You probably know that kids can view new relationships as the reason their parents broke up - it's a lot less painful to think that than it is to think it was their fault. Not to mention, when one parent moves on and develops a new relationship and the other doesn't, the kids worry about the parent who is alone.

I cannot stress enough how much kids worry about their parents. You may never hear them say it and you may not even believe me when I tell you this but it is the truth. Kids feel an obligation to save a parent they feel is weak or has been unfairly treated. Unfortunately, to save the one parent, they must display loyalty to the injured party.

It takes someone really special to go through step-parent hazing. Especially since there is no guarantee of a long-term solution. There is no one-size-fits-all for families bringing step-parents into the mix.

For the step-parents out there who are doing their best to form relationships with kids who hold a grudge against you or blame you for the break-down of their family I must say KUDOS. Way to hang in there Champ! The most important basics to remember for the step-parent are as follows.

1) Never, never, never say anything negative about their other parent. Rise above, people. Rise above.

2) Don't get involved in the discipline. Let their bio-parent handle that and if they don't, MAKE THEM. By putting you in the power position they have set you up to fail. They are not doing their job as a parent if you become primary caretaker and decision maker.

3) Stop trying so hard. Step back and remove yourself from the equation, especially if things are getting sticky. Should you build a relationship with your step-kids? Sure! Remember, Rome wasn't a built in a day, relationships aren't either. Don't fall into the trap of "It's been "XYZ" amount of time! Shouldn't everything be all set by now??" Let things happen organically. Don't rush them.

4) Put your marriage first. Pour your energy into your relationship where it is actually appreciated. If the kids see their parent is happy they will eventually fall in line like fuzzy little ducklings. They just need a leader. And that leader must be their parent.

5) Do your absolute best to enjoy the kids. Don't worry about teaching them lessons or get caught up in power struggles. You get to be the fun one here! It's not your job to teach them about "respect" for God's sake. Please, please do not even go there. They don't even know you. They don't hate you, but they may hate the idea of you. This comes from their fear of being replaced, forgotten about, overlooked, or just simply not good enough. Kids who've been through a divorce have already had their self esteem squished. Do everything in your power to prove them wrong. You are an adult, therefore the responsibility of acting that way is on you.

Last but not least - Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help you deal with this stuff! Go find one! Go now! (www.therapistlocator.net)

Read this. Commit it to memory. Repeat.

For the Family - Alienation Red Flags

Dear Parents,

I know I took last week off from reaching out to you. What can I say? I needed the break and maybe you did too. I don't want to overwhelm anybody.

I'd like to talk a little more about Parental Alienation. This subject is close to my heart because of my job and what I see happening under the appearances people try to put out as truth. As a member of your community I truly hope if you hear someone blasting their Ex at a little league game you do your best to either soothe the person into stopping their tirade or you walk away and display your discomfort with what they're doing non-verbally. Especially if the kids are in earshot.

More importantly, know the signs that you may be unknowingly participating in Parental Alienation.

The top 2 signs that I have seen are:

1) You used to be friends with both mother and father but since their break-up you have chosen sides because you feel disgusted, angry, or confused by someone's actions towards their spouse. Chances are, you've chosen the side of whoever looks like the injured party. You found out someone had an affair or did something you don't approve of and now you're not speaking to them even though your children are friends with their children.
Ahem,
**BEING A BAD SPOUSE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING A BAD PARENT**

2) You are extended family and you used to have close relationships with the kids but since the divorce you have backed away and stopped engaging. Maybe you're related to the non-custodial parent and you're angry. You feel victimized. You never liked that other parent anyway and now when you see the kids you feel the need to tell them how much they've hurt your family member and, by proxy, you.
OR - You are the extended family of the custodial parent and you dislike the Ex. You spend a lot of time helping out your family member and maybe you even live together because after the divorce they couldn't afford their own place. Maybe you feel like your relative is the victim and the Ex is a scum bag. Maybe they don't even pay their child support on time if at all.

**This? Is not your business. You have zero place telling kids no matter the age that they are awful or mean to their parent. You can certainly address issues of blatant nastiness or issues that come up if you are care-taking but that's where it ends. Statements such as "UGH! You're just like your father/mother!" Are not okay. Nor is "You know you really hurt your mom when you didn't come see her." Or, "You don't deserve how good your dad is to you." Any combination of the above statements is harmful to the kids. It creates a toxic environment for them where they feel unheard, disappointing, guilty, confused, and hurt.

The absolute best thing you can do for kids caught between two warring parents is create a safe zone where they can be supported and listened to. They can say whatever they need to say about either parent but your job is to teach them how to deal with those feelings. Don't teach them to blame and hold grudges.

Mentally prepare yourself to hear things you won't like. Divorce creates new situations that nobody is prepared for. When kids go back and forth between homes, inevitably, things are going to happen. One parent may let them stay up late playing video games, the other parent may be Captain Structure with every moment of the day planned out. Remember that when kids come to you with questions, they are looking to you for lessons on how to deal with things. They don't know what to do so they are looking to you to show them. They may even say they want you to intervene, take the reins, and make it go away. Don't fall for it.

Teach them how to deal with conflict. Teach them that you see what they're going through is hard but that there are ways to deal with it without losing a parent or an entire half of their family. Imagine if you were in their shoes how confusing and scary it would be to be taught they are powerless and everything they are going through is the fault of someone they love. Teach them that people are not perfect and disappointment and heart break are a part of life.

Teach them to deal with their feelings and the situation from an empowered place - from their higher selves - and give them the best possible chance to grow up into healthy, balanced adults.

Exactly.