Sunday, December 9, 2012

Tis' the Season of...Creepy?

I'll admit that I probably wasn't the most normal of little kids. I can roll with that and, in fact, even celebrate it now that I'm old enough to appreciate it. While most kids loved Santa and the Easter Bunny fervently, I hated and feared them. I mean, I liked presents and candy - don't get me wrong. But the idea of someone - anyone - breaking into my house while I was sleeping was just not okay.

I would lie awake every Christmas Eve (and Easter Eve if that's a real thing) and quietly freak out. I would try not to blink because I knew they were magical beings and, therefore, extremely fast. I feared if I blinked I would miss something and they would be able to steal me away. So there I would lay, eyes wide open, sometimes holding my lids apart with my fingers, staring up at the ceiling. I'm pretty sure I took this too far on a couple of occasions because I can actually remember "seeing" Santa. Looking back I suspect this was more a hallucination on the part of a young girl who'd had too much eggnog. At the time, however, it was very real and scared the shit out of me.

Fast forward to the present. I'm not a parent but that doesn't mean I live under a rock. I know about this whole "Elf on the Shelf" thing. It appears to be some sort of torture/manipulation device used by parents to get their kids to behave around the holidays. While I applaud the creativity, I also shudder a bit in horror. If I were a little kid and my parents told me a stuffed toy was watching me I would have been completely freaked out. I probably would have made that elf disappear and to hell with the risk of Santa finding out.

Creepy little eyes that follow me around the house is a little too Big Brother for my taste even as an adult. Parents? What do your kids think of this? Are they creeped out or on board? Does the elf write them little notes as it moves about the house?

If I were a parent I suspect I would not be able to resist messing with the kids. As in "Henry. I know what you did with the Victoria's Secret catalog. Is there something you'd like to talk to Santa about?"

Or perhaps, "Dear little Janey, I noticed that all your Barbie heads have been chopped off and you seem to have decided the toilet is the proper receptacle for them. Cut the shit or you're totally getting coal."

Yet another reason why I stick with cats and dogs.

The only upside? Apparently these elves shit Hershey Kisses....

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