For the Family - Alienation Red Flags

Dear Parents,

I know I took last week off from reaching out to you. What can I say? I needed the break and maybe you did too. I don't want to overwhelm anybody.

I'd like to talk a little more about Parental Alienation. This subject is close to my heart because of my job and what I see happening under the appearances people try to put out as truth. As a member of your community I truly hope if you hear someone blasting their Ex at a little league game you do your best to either soothe the person into stopping their tirade or you walk away and display your discomfort with what they're doing non-verbally. Especially if the kids are in earshot.

More importantly, know the signs that you may be unknowingly participating in Parental Alienation.

The top 2 signs that I have seen are:

1) You used to be friends with both mother and father but since their break-up you have chosen sides because you feel disgusted, angry, or confused by someone's actions towards their spouse. Chances are, you've chosen the side of whoever looks like the injured party. You found out someone had an affair or did something you don't approve of and now you're not speaking to them even though your children are friends with their children.
Ahem,
**BEING A BAD SPOUSE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING A BAD PARENT**

2) You are extended family and you used to have close relationships with the kids but since the divorce you have backed away and stopped engaging. Maybe you're related to the non-custodial parent and you're angry. You feel victimized. You never liked that other parent anyway and now when you see the kids you feel the need to tell them how much they've hurt your family member and, by proxy, you.
OR - You are the extended family of the custodial parent and you dislike the Ex. You spend a lot of time helping out your family member and maybe you even live together because after the divorce they couldn't afford their own place. Maybe you feel like your relative is the victim and the Ex is a scum bag. Maybe they don't even pay their child support on time if at all.

**This? Is not your business. You have zero place telling kids no matter the age that they are awful or mean to their parent. You can certainly address issues of blatant nastiness or issues that come up if you are care-taking but that's where it ends. Statements such as "UGH! You're just like your father/mother!" Are not okay. Nor is "You know you really hurt your mom when you didn't come see her." Or, "You don't deserve how good your dad is to you." Any combination of the above statements is harmful to the kids. It creates a toxic environment for them where they feel unheard, disappointing, guilty, confused, and hurt.

The absolute best thing you can do for kids caught between two warring parents is create a safe zone where they can be supported and listened to. They can say whatever they need to say about either parent but your job is to teach them how to deal with those feelings. Don't teach them to blame and hold grudges.

Mentally prepare yourself to hear things you won't like. Divorce creates new situations that nobody is prepared for. When kids go back and forth between homes, inevitably, things are going to happen. One parent may let them stay up late playing video games, the other parent may be Captain Structure with every moment of the day planned out. Remember that when kids come to you with questions, they are looking to you for lessons on how to deal with things. They don't know what to do so they are looking to you to show them. They may even say they want you to intervene, take the reins, and make it go away. Don't fall for it.

Teach them how to deal with conflict. Teach them that you see what they're going through is hard but that there are ways to deal with it without losing a parent or an entire half of their family. Imagine if you were in their shoes how confusing and scary it would be to be taught they are powerless and everything they are going through is the fault of someone they love. Teach them that people are not perfect and disappointment and heart break are a part of life.

Teach them to deal with their feelings and the situation from an empowered place - from their higher selves - and give them the best possible chance to grow up into healthy, balanced adults.

Exactly.

It Just Got Real

There's a new sheriff in town. That's right naughty Shamus who drives everyone crazy with your antics. That's right Mojo kitty who loves to escape to the great outdoors only to spend hours meowing in the woods. It just got real ya'll.

Diva Squirt Bottle insisted upon a Glamour Shot.
Typical.

Communication - Gotta love it!

I always like to ask people, what made you pick up the phone and call me? Not surprisingly, Communication is the #1 reason people give me. Be it trouble communicating with a spouse, parent, child, or even sibling, not feeling understood by a loved one is incredibly painful and frustrating.

Here's the big secret about communication: You are always communicating. In fact, it is virtually impossible to NOT communicate. We communicate through words, body language, facial expressions, lack of facial expression, tone of voice, eye contact, how we sit, stand, lie down. We send vibes without even doing so consciously. This is the human condition. Our ability to send and receive important messages to each other in times of danger or stress is what has allowed the human race to evolve into the Facebook and Pinterest addicts (guilty!) we are today.

Me with my sister in 2009 atop the Pyramid of the Sun. Look how tiny!

Prime example - earlier this week I may have had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I may have freaked out at my husband for the 900th time about the issue of weight. I used to be this tiny little twig of a thing without even having to try. Unfortunately, I got old and my metabolism slowed down. The addition of medication for my awesome panic disorder sealed the deal. Weight gain was unavoidable. And here I am today. There were some other issues I was holding onto besides weight but that's the one that usually gets me where it hurts. 

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to listen more, talk less. If the person you are trying to communicate with is a loved one, give them a break and assume they are not trying to hurt you. I know, it's incredibly hard to do. I get that you don't want to be hurt but shutting down or flipping out guarantees you will be hurt. Lashing out at your spouse when they're trying to give you feedback may allow you to avoid what they have to say for a little while but it's not going to make it go away. Even if your spouse decides not to push the issue with you and lets it go for the moment, they are still carrying that hurt or concern inside of them. This wears them down and eventually they will lash out at you for making them swallow their feelings.
When you shut your partner down, you get to avoid the icky thing you didn't want to deal with but you're also shutting down the good, loving messages your spouse is actually trying to send you. If I had let myself go down into my shame spiral the other day instead of sticking it out to hear what Jacob had to say, I would have missed the meat of his message. I would have missed the main point of his argument which was actually, very loving and a reality check to boot.
Me: "I hate my body, I look at old pictures of myself and I want to die. I was so tiny and I didn't even appreciate it when I had it! I want to be that girl in the pictures again!"
Jacob: "Hun, remember who you were in those pictures? Were you happy? Would you want to go back and re-live that part of your life? When you had little to no control over your anxiety and panic disorder? And you were married to a guy you didn't even like? Did you have what you have now? A healthy solo private practice, financial security, real friends? No? Then that's what you need to remember when you look at those pictures."

Sigh. I hate when he's right.
Jerk.

The real trick to communicating isn't in the sending. It's in the receiving. The ability to listen without adding our own emotional baggage to the message. Emotions are powerful things and sometimes they can get in the way of really hearing someone. We can be triggered emotionally without even knowing it consciously and before we know it, find ourselves defensive and shut down. It isn't until we take a step back and really look at our response can we see where we were really reacting from.

We are adorkable!

Why do we even have to have this talk?

The above video is AWESOME. This is how to call out a bully guys. Watch and learn.

Today, I am talking to all adults who have interaction with children, be they parents or otherwise. Because we have a job to do and clearly, a lot of you out there are failing.

Yes. I said it. You are failing.

And don't get all high and mighty on me because I don't have kids. Get that notion out of your head because it's an excuse not to listen to things that you don't like or that hurt your feelings. Nobody likes to hear they're failing their kids. I get that. But wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Would you really prefer to keep your head down and dig that hole deeper and deeper?

Thank you for being brave enough to continue reading this far if you haven't run screaming. You rock.

Bullying is bullshit folks. It's not okay, it's gone too far. It's long past time we - and I do mean all adults who influence or love children including teachers, coaches, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins etc. - have a responsibility to stop it.
How many people does it take to stop it?
As many as it takes.
Every individual has the right to speak for themselves. When a message is repeated often enough, it eventually folds its way in until we can't see where the lines were drawn anymore. It becomes a permanent part of the fabric of our society.

If you want to stop bullying, start at home. I cannot stress this enough - whatever your kids see you do, they are going to assume it is okay for them to do. They will use your words to hurt others. Others who may not be able to handle it. Because they have been taught by the adults in their lives how to go for the jugular.

GONE are the days of "kids will be kids". Sorry ya'll, our society has reduced the length and depth of childhood to a charred shell of what it once was. Kids are no longer innocent. We have taken that away from them by exposing them to a world of social media they cannot handle responsibly without actual, intense guidance and proper modeling behavior from you. It has become simply too easy for a child to hold onto something that bothered them during the day and turn it into Cyber Bullying at night.

Remember back in the olden days when we would go to school and then go home and be with our families until we would wake again the next day and go see our classmates? When weekends belonged to the family or particular friends we wanted to spend time with the most? When home was a safe place? When if you were the object of bullying you were able to escape?

By the addition of Face Book and Twitter and Tumblr and the whole internet in general, we have removed the boundary between work/school life and everything else. As a kid who was shy and introverted, school was a challenge for me every day. Going home at the end of the day was a rewarding escape from school - where recess was the thing I hated the most. Being away from girls who were fake friends or boys who were simply baffling was what kept me sane. I dealt with those people all day, going home to go to my piano lesson and watching some TV with the fam was private, uninterrupted time. I didn't have to worry about someone texting me cruel messages or putting up horrible things on Facebook about me. It was a truly separate existence.

There is no escape anymore. Your home has become an extension of the blacktop battleground and the bullies are just a mouse click away. An incident that was annoying at school no longer has the opportunity of fading organically and being let go. Instead it becomes the topic of the day and everybody weighs in - bullies first and foremost. Let's say Little Johnny has a tough day at school, he's shy and although he has friends, he is quiet and focused on his school work. One day he is staring off into space when another student, Meanie Pants, notices and points him out. "Ooh! Johnny stop staring at Jack that way! You're gaaaayyyy!!!"

Um, where did that kid learn that from? Other kids? Maybe. But where did he learn to ruthlessly ridicule a peer that way? Why is the word "gay" the first thing he goes for? Sorry folks, you are caught out. He learned it while in your care. By the way, thanks for getting him that smart phone. Now he can make "Johnny is gaaaay!" his Facebook status in a nanosecond. Next nanosecond, Meanie Pants has texted his entire contact list about Johnny being gaaay. And Little Johnny has no idea what to do with that. In the space of six seconds his life has been ruined. His friends are afraid to be seen with him lest they be the target next time.

Here's an idea. Adults - stop playing with your phone and pay attention to your kids. Teach them how to have a conversation that includes eye contact. That the world does not and should not revolve around them. Teach them it is vitally important to THINK before they speak, or post. Teach them that their words matter and when they are used to hurt another person, there are consequences.

Your kid should not be using a cell phone while in school. The excuse of, "What if I need to get a hold of them?" Makes me want to punch you.  I went through my entire life without my mommy texting me while I was at school and that includes college and grad school. I was picked on, bad things happened, my feelings were hurt and it was awful sometimes. But I dealt with it.

That's right folks, I DEALT WITH IT. On my own. So when I sit down at the computer I have a lifetime of life lessons to keep me grounded. Your kids are not developing this resource inside themselves. They are learning to lash out first, ask questions later.

They are learning this from you - the adults in their lives. If you are in a position of any power kids are watching and learning from you. If you call someone "fat" or "gay" or any other choice name, your kids will think that is okay. They won't admit that to you, but that's what they believe. You can tell them until you're blue in the face not to do that. But...if you're doing it...so are they. It no longer becomes a conscious decision for them, you have taken the decision out of their hands. You have taught them this is how we react to people if we don't like what they have to say or if we just don't like them.

Your words matter but your actions matter more. Here's a crazy idea, talk to your kids about the critical importance of kindness. Teach them by showing them how to do it. Say "Thank You" to all retail service people. The cashiers, waitresses, dude who showed you where the lightbulbs are, whatever. Model for your children that no one is better than anyone else. That all people regardless of looks, smarts, charisma, or money must be treated with respect up front. There is no power struggle when the expectation is clearly demonstrated each and every time. If the cashier is rude, even better. Model for your children how to deal with rudeness without becoming cruel. I was taught to kill them with kindness. This means I smile through it while my blood is boiling. When I would like nothing better than to tell the rude cashier to suck it, I remind myself that I am better than that.

You and your kids are better than that too. Step it up folks. Get tough. Don't give in when the kids have a fit about you going through their phone or having their Facebook pass words. You are doing your job and secretly, your kids are relieved.

Goose parade

Welcome October! As a special gift I present you with, the best 35 seconds of your day!