Thursday, July 5, 2012

Weighting around

Yet again, I find myself home when I really should have gone to the gym. It's yoga for God's sake. I love yoga and I'm always happy after I go to a class. I'm not sure what's going on with me about working out. I was doing really well for like, 2 months but now I'm slacking. Today the excuse was: I don't really like that class. The instructor isn't interesting or challenging and last time I went there were only two of us in there. Also, if I don't go to yoga, I will stay home and write something.
Well at least I'm keeping up that end of the deal. Typing burns calories and builds lean muscle right?

I guess I'm just like the rest of the world - I want instant gratification. When I decide to work out and eat right and cut the shit...I don't get immediate results. Logically, I know that is impossible. However, since when am I run by logic? I'm run by emotions most of the time. Unless I'm making an effort to be logic based and to hell with what I'm feeling, I will go with what makes me feel good every time. I think a lot of people are like this actually. Because if we don't FEEL something, it ain't happening. And a lot of what I've felt since undertaking this challenge, is frustrated, fatter, and failure. I've been proud of myself here and there but mostly...not so hot.

Logically, I know that things take time. A lot of time. My friend, Lindy, told me to give it six months so I'm still clinging to that. I'm not overeating or indulging. Diet changes are relatively easy for me. As long as I can have sweet stuff, I don't really care what else I eat. It doesn't matter to me if I eat chocolate or an apple for a late night snack. I know eating then at all is foolish but old habits die hard and how bad is it really to consider an apple an indulgence?

I'm also aware that Fear is at work here. Fear of trying because if I really try, like really for real real, I risk a lot. Failure is something I've felt many times. I don't want to feel it again. So, my old pal Fear whispers in my ear, reminding me of all the failures of the past, how much that sucked, how it felt, and how much safer it is to just stay home, on the couch, maybe take one class per week so I can say I'm trying and nobody will argue with me. Fly below the radar.

Fear also plays dirty. It will straight up lie to keep me safe. It will tell me, being overweight is better because I draw less attention, it helps me fit in. Being overweight is normal but being fit is not. That I look foolish in workout classes, that I'm weak and can't keep up.

Arguing with Fear takes a lot of time. A lot of energy right now that I tell myself I don't have but really? I totally do. I'd just rather invest the energy in writing or reading or watching movies and Reno 911 re-runs. I've been toying with the idea of making a vision board or a few vision boards really, to have around the house and in my car. Something visual to remind me of what I want and what it takes to get there. Something that doesn't lecture or judge. Just sits there looking at me filled with motivation and inspiration. Hmmm...I'll let you know how it goes...


  1. Oh god, I have so much to say on this subject, I feel I must bullet point:

    1. When I was trying to train for my first black belt test, I read the book "Positive Energy". Some of it was whatever but there was a section on positive eating that stuck with me. It's all about figuring out what foods make you feel good and full of energy and just eating those. It doesn't ALWAYS work for me but if I know I have to do hard stuff, I always look to the foods I know make me feel good before I do the hard stuff.

    2. The only way I ever get my self to go anywhere I don't want to is by not thinking about it. I think about what I need to do to get there. Water bottle, keys, sneakers, drive that way, park there, walk through that door. Then I'm there and I didn't have time to think about excuses or fears or any of the crap that keeps me from going.

    3. Yoga is awesome and I lurve it. Punching is more fun because you get to punch. Have you tried cardio kickboxing? PUNCHING! Punching makes the rage smile.

    4. Cristian and I just joined Koko Fitclub and there are franchises popping up all over. You get a USB and the computers tell you what to do. It's 15 minutes of cardio (15! Yes! Monkey hate cardio!) and 30 minutes of weight training on a big machine that has all of the attachments AND a computer screen and it tells you what to do when and it's like a little game. I actually WANT to go there. Because it's a game with points and stuff.

    5. I heart ErinSmith. And now I'm done.

  2. Oooh! I want to try this Koko Fitclub! That sounds like playing video games while getting sexy! (Yet another thing I could totally do at home as we have X Box Kinect and some very fun, active games but since it's at home where my couch lives it doesn't stand a chance.)
    I will take the positive eating tip! I've been trying to do that because I know if I eat a ton of carbs I will be like a happy chubby panda but nothing will get done but if I eat proteins and veggies and shit, I will feel approximately 137% better.
    I totally want to punch stuff! I love yoga but I've always wanted to try kickboxing or boxing training. I have a lot of rage, that would be what we call a "positive outlet". My gym has it but it's at like, 5 a.m. Seriously? You have to be hardcore as hell for that! Why do gyms schedule things so horribly early then have NOTHING all day?? I can do stuff during the day dammit!
    I also heart WendyWoodworth. So much!

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  4. I loved this post and the honesty you show when examining your fear. You write eloquently. Fear, sucks, and I liken it to that drunk girl in the bar who screams the loudest, is having the BEST time but goes home ashamed and alone--fear is a faker.

    Good luck to you and your patience. I too am embarking on a weight loss plan and it feels like I have to talk myself into it each and every day. How have you been doing?

    Thanks for sharing :)

    1. Thank you Lady J! I fully agree with how you view fear! It is an a**hole who deserves to get thrown out!

      Good luck on your weight loss journey! I am discovering how hard it is and totally appreciate hearing about what others are experiencing! It's slow but at least somewhat steady - Let me know how it goes for you!