What I find happening to me lately is that I'll be feeling a strong love or appreciation for someone or something and before I know it, that person or thing decides to take a shit all over my lovey feeling. This makes me want to punch people in the face. I get so angry with people in my "real" life who want more from me or who I don't feel appreciate me. I feel like I take care of the whole world. The job of therapist boiled down to its simplest form is you are re-parenting you clients so they can have the life skills their own parents couldn't or wouldn't teach them. Because parents can't teach their kids something they, themselves, have never been taught.
So being mother to 30 people a week? Is fucking exhausting. And all I want at the end of the day is somebody to take care of me. My husband, however, wants the same thing. Because that is a human instinct. The need for care and connection is ancient. We're not going to get over it anytime soon but what can I do in the meantime so I don't completely freak out? There is a lot to be said for taking care of other people. Besides being exhausting it's deeply rewarding. I don't want anyone to think I'm a therapist because it's fancy or that I don't get anything out of it. My job gives me deep joy and satisfaction most of the time, the other part of the time...not so much. But I think that's most jobs right?
I am frustrated today largely because I have been let down by someone close to me. (Not Jacob. I'm not telling who. Stop pressuring me.) And I can't write about it because that person will hear about it. I don't believe they they care enough to look at this page ever, but I can't be sure. And if talking about anyone via blog you may as well just assume 1) They're going to read it and 2) They will pitch a fit. Unless they're related to me. My family tends to avoid confrontation like it's going out of business. This is yet another reason for my deep love of Zantac and Prilosec.
So my entire drive to work was consumed by my feeling hurt and upset and basically going to my "I'm not good enough" place. Because sometimes, that's the truth. I'm not important enough to everyone in the world or even everyone in my inner circle (it's not as glamorous as it sounds), to be made a priority. Everyone grows up and their priorities shift to new people, places, and things. But when I look back at certain relationships I can see what my former therapist meant when she said, "Your relationships with people have been all about them. About you being available whenever they wanted for whatever they needed. When you try to change that dynamic and make a one-sided relationship into something else, it will fail every time because the other person will only see that you are not at their beck-and-call so they better find someone or something else to fill that spot."
That is not a great way to feel by the way. Hearing the truth doesn't make it easier to change or break away. Even knowing that's the truth doesn't make anything easier because at the end of the day, I still have to have relationships with people. I have to see them, they are in my life and nothing will change that. I don't want to sit and quietly resent anyone because that's a guaranteed acid re-flux nightmare but I also don't want to confront anyone who 1) Doesn't know I'm upset and 2) Will probably just tell me to get over it.
Because seriously? What is the point of confronting someone who has sent a clear message of "I don't have time for you and you don't really matter." What can I reasonably expect from someone with that mindset? I'm not saying they're aware that this is the message they're sending. I'm sure they've told themselves that they have to do the other million things they've signed up to do and that I am simply too demanding. That I should know and accept that their commitments are first and foremost and that they have tried to make that clear. And, my personal favorite, that I shouldn't take things so personally. That they simply have too much in their incredibly overfull calendar and they would surely love to have the time to see me or talk to me or text me. But, alas, they are powerless over such things. And so, I have nothing to be upset about because, really, they're the victim.
And this is what makes me want to kick people. I'm not going to pretend like I am always great at everything friendship wise. I'm not. I hate the phone, and if you're not on Facebook I will probably go weeks and weeks without talking to you because email is a pain in the balls. And even if you're on Facebook, I may not see you very often. If you live far away up until recently my anxiety was too bad for me to make the trip successfully and now that I'm not so anxious, I am doing all the things I couldn't do before. But if you invite my ass somewhere, I will be there with bells on.
I feel marginally better. Thank you for listening to me rant.