Realistic Expectations

Dear Parents,

First off - I must sprinkle some honey on the vinegar I have been working with this week. Let me just say that there really are situations where intensive therapy and all the resources in the world can't change the toxicity of the system. Some things go back so far nobody can remember where they started. All I'm looking for from these posts is to plant a seed of self reflection in folks going through divorce or separation with children. There's a whole other world of posts for parents who are married or living together. They're not so perfect either so don't go thinking I'm biased! Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there.

In other news, let's talk about Realistic Expectations aka - Wake Up Call.

Back in the olden days, when I was a kid, I was raised by two parents who were married and living in a house with myself, my two siblings, and usually a couple of cats. My dad worked full time and my mom worked part time starting around the 6th grade. The designation of parenting tasks was pretty clear. My mom took us to all of our appointments and my dad would 1) Have her back completely no matter how unfair we insisted mom was when she wouldn't let us eat entire tubs of ice cream and 2) Fun stuff. My dad was my soccer coach forever and he taught me to ski and brought me to UConn games - soccer and basketball mainly but there was some football thrown in there too. Nobody questioned this arrangement, it never even occurred to us.

My point is, I am constantly told by parents that they are angry their Ex doesn't go to the kids' doctor/dentist/eye/whatever appointments. Seriously? Unless there is something seriously wrong with your kid why would both of you need to be there? Do you really want your Ex to take time off from work that they probably won't be paid for so he can watch the doctor swab your kids throat for the 900th time? Do you actually think your kid cares about that? Because, they don't. The only thing they care about when it comes to the doctors office is, "When can we leave?? We hate it here!"

My point is, if you were still married or in a relationship with the other parent, would you expect them to get out of work for a basic check-up? No. You would not. Because that would not make sense. Guess what? It still doesn't make sense. Whoever the custodial parent is, unless you have made other arrangements, doc appointments are your job. You have the kids full time therefore you know their schedule the best. Do not lambaste your Ex for this. I'm sure they would love to be there for every immunization shot your kids flip out about but it simply is not their job and expecting that from them will only lead to resentment on both sides.

The custodial parent should be supported by the non-custodial parent. Meaning in this case, child support. Just to clarify what child support is and how it should be used, the parent who receives the support should be using the money for whatever the child needs. Food, clothes, shelter. Usually there's a separate arrangement regarding payment for extra activities such as dance lessons. That's all child support usually covers. The idea that baby mamas are getting rich off child support money is asinine. Seriously, how many single mothers do you know who are rolling in the dough?

Child support does NOT cover what you, the non-custodial parent, has for the children at your house. Complain all you want about it being "unfair" it's still your job to have clothing, toys, food, etc. for your kids when they come to see you. It is not your Ex's job to provide them with every single item they may need while in your care. Why would you even want them to pick what outfits they'll wear, toys they'll play with, stuffed animals they'll sleep with while they're with you? Don't you want your kids to view your home as their home? Stop complaining about the money. Go to Savers. Use coupons. Get hand-me-downs from your friends with older children. Think outside the box and don't get caught up in what it costs. The benefit to you of your kids feeling at home and comfortable when they are with you will be worth every penny.

Embrace every opportunity to be your highest self for your children and yourself.

Parental Poisoning

Dear Parents,

The subject of Parental Alienation is a real thing and it's happening right now, probably to someone you know or perhaps it's happening to you. Parental Alienation is the poisoning of the children against one parent (and their extended family) perpetuated by the other parent, often accompanied by their extended family. It's basically brainwashing with a fancier name. There are countless reasons for this to happen but the one that makes me absolutely see red is our old pal, Revenge. Making the Ex pay by enlisting the children in their fight is absolutely sickening. There are parents out there right now who are so hurt and so incapable of handling their feelings they consciously and purposely use their children's love against their ex-spouse. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "My ex told me they were going to destroy me and now they're doing it."

This is completely disgusting people. Your kid needs their other parent. Do you realize that by openly involving your children in your hatred of your Ex you are simultaneously sending them the message that you hate a part of them? That the part of them that was given to them by their other parent is somehow defective and unlovable? Even if you're not saying it out loud your message is clear as a bell.

 News flash: What you are doing is wrong.

Programming your children to fight on your side because your ex is the evil bad guy and so is their extended family is destroying their childhood.

Your children need their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whatever. They love them. They have already had their family broken apart by what was most assuredly an ugly divorce. They already feel they have done something wrong, that they were not good enough or important enough and surely if they were better none of this would have happened. I don't care if they're not saying that to you. That means nothing. Chances are, they won't say those things to you because they are desperately worried and trying to protect you. They've seen you navigate the stormy waters of divorce and it scared the crap out of them. They have seen you behave in ways you never thought yourself capable. They have watched you at your lowest and it has terrified them to the core.

So stop acting like a victim. Stop it NOW. Stop making custody and visitation about you and what you feel you and/or your ex "deserves." Because I guarantee you're not making good decisions and you are torturing your children with ongoing court battles.

Still fighting in front of the kids?? Unacceptable. They saw enough of that when they were living with the two of you.

They hate it. They hate it. They hate it.

It hurts them. You're hurting them. The entire scenario is hurting them and the effects will be life long.
By running to the court and asking a judge to decide what's best for your children you are teaching them that they, and you, are powerless. The only way to solve a problem is to find the most important grown up possible and ask them what to do. When the judge makes a decision, if you continue to play the role of the injured party and tell your kids all about how unfair the judge/lawyers/their other parent is you yet again display powerless victimhood.

You are not the injured party here. Teaching your children that nobody cares what you (and by extension, they) want doesn't matter, is wrong. It sends the message that they don't matter. This is where the root of low self esteem can take hold and grow like a weed in the deepest parts of your child. Be aware of that. Slow yourself down. You are in panic mode and your fight/flight instinct has been activated. This moment is the reason you must, must, must have a therapist or other objective source in your life. Because you are so wrapped up in your own pain and anger you have lost the ability to be empathetic to your children and your Ex. The one you loved enough to marry in the first place.

Children should never have to lose anyone they love. They did not ask for a divorce, they have harmed no one.

They get to love everybody. Period. So put away your insecurities, anxieties, anger, hurt, humiliation, shame, and fears. Make decisions not out of emotion but out of logic and reason. Listen to your kids when they tell you what they want and do your best to make it happen even if it means they want to spend less time with you and more with your Ex. That's just what they need right now. It's not forever. Nothing is forever. Those kids are going to grow into adults and if you have kept them from their other parent and extended family, they are going to run right over there and never bother with you as soon as they can get away from you. They will see you as selfish, petty, and mean. They will distance themselves from you in order to get away from your controlling ways no matter how well intentioned you tell yourself you were. Ultimately, you will lose them.

Do yourself and you children a favor and allow yourself to move forward.

Disrespect

Dear Parents,

The idea that your kids owe you respect is one that I struggle with. How can your kids be expected to show respect - to you or anyone else in their limited worlds - if they are not directly and consistently shown what that is by the people they love the most in the world? They are only able to communicate what they have been taught through their experiences in the world, a giant percentage of which involved you.

Until a child is school aged their entire world consists of whoever they live with. Whoever holds them and feeds them and calms them when they cry. The world of an infant to toddler aged child is generally limited to direct family members and close friends. Nowadays their world likely also consists of a daycare provider and the assorted other children at the daycare. Beyond that, however, they aren't exactly social butterflies. I refer to the ages of 0-3 as the Sponge Age to my clients to try and help enforce the importance of a stable and consistent home and caregiver situation. Realize - all their rapidly developing brains are doing is soaking things up and learning. Their brains take in information and convert it to messages, rules, and feedback. This information creates the lens through which your child sees and reacts to the world.

Want your kids to be polite, respectful people?

Lead. By. Example.

First and foremost? Stop talking smack about your Ex. Tell your family and friends - we show respect here. Want to vent? Hate the jackass? That's fine - hate them on your own time when you are kid-free and among friends. Whatever happened in your relationship with their other parent had nothing to do with them. They should NEVER know the details until they are old enough to truly process them.

They should also never know when you're going to court, dealing with custody, visitation, or child support issues. Those are adult issues.

It is your job to show your children how to deal with life's ups and downs. Show integrity and respect in front of them every chance you get. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to keep your emotions in check, resist being impulsive, and do everything in your power to take the high road. Your relationship with your children directly benefits from you leading with compassion and patience. When they're mad at you because you don't want to bring them to the mall instead of them calling you a B*tch or something equally awesome, they'll respond the way you've taught them to handle disappointment. And then they'll get on with their day. The choice is yours.

Seriously...

Dear Parents

Dear Parents,
I am planning a series of letters regarding how you're ruining your children's lives with things they shouldn't even know about. Also known as things your therapist should be telling you. What's that? Don't have a therapist but you're going through a divorce with children involved? Well good news for you! I'm right at your fingertips and brimming with feedback!

Feedback #1 - Get a family therapist who can help you and your soon-to-be ex separate with integrity.

Feedback #2

Dear Parents,

This is Tough Love. I say things with compassion and understanding and an unshakable belief that parents do the best they can for their children. Maybe their best sucks. A lot of the time, it's probably average and that is totally okay. Lest you forget, you chose to be parents and there is no going back on that promise. You may have promised to love, honor, and cherish the person you created those children with but let's face it, the divorce rate is 50%. You are not stupid. This is a commonly known fact passed around without the slightest bat of an eyelash so don't look at me with your big sad panda eyes. I'm sorry your ex treated you like crap. I really am. But that doesn't excuse you from bad behavior. In all honesty, unless there was a situation of addiction, abuse, or violence in any form, I expect a certain level of appropriateness, common sense, and civility when it comes to your ex. Hate them all you want on your own time, just don't make it your children's battle.

If you thought your ex was a good or good enough parent when you were together, remind yourself of that every single day. No matter what your ex did to you, they love those children with every fiber of their being, just like you do. They may not show it in ways you approve of or even like. I repeat: If you trusted the other parent's abilities when you were married nothing should change when you separate.

Even if they had sex with your sister and your brother in your bed while you were off at Girl Scouts with little Susie. That makes them bad people. Not bad parents. There is a difference.

I know the choice not to have a baby now or in my foreseeable future is a wise one. I look at parents and children every day of my life. I study it, I question it, I research it, and I realize, on the deepest cellular level how big of a deal it is to be a parent. The intensity of the bonds, the depth of the connections, the weight of responsibility, and humanity required to survive parenthood is immeasurable. The bravery to become a parent, to put yourself out there on that scale, is heart-stopping to me.

Having said that, not having children is what makes me able to see things for what they are without the emotional clouding that is inevitable once you become a parent. You lose the option to make decisions clinically and objectively when it comes to your own children.

Yes. You.  Do.

You cannot un-ring that bell once it has been rung. In other words, once the baby comes out of the vageen, you are permanently changed on the deepest, most primal, of levels.

That's why I'm here! To tackle your questions and share my experience with complex and overwhelming situations. I promise to give unfiltered feedback on the Do's and Don't of co-parenting after divorce as well as co-parenting when the family is intact. Being married to the other parent doesn't guaranteed smooth sailing. It's good sometimes to hear from someone completely outside of your life who reports back on what they see when they view your family system.

Look familiar? Don't worry, you're not alone!

Angry + Awkward

I have never been particularly good at confrontation. Especially not when I'm angry or upset. I tend to get overwhelmed by emotion and either cry, yell, or do both. If I don't give myself a good chunk of time to settle down, things can get ugly. This is why I have instated a minimum 10-minute rule to reply to emails or texts that get under my skin. I have also perfected the art of looking completely neutral so even if things get under my skin, the other person wouldn't know it. This small measure of power and self-control has gotten me through many a difficult situation. Currently, however, I am in a situation with my work neighbor and I really don't know where to take things.

Several months ago, I had a mother in my waiting room with her 18-month old and 3-year old children while I was in my office with her 6-year old. It was not a good day to begin with as the mother knew I would probably be giving her bad news, but to make matters worse, the 18-month old was miserable that day. The mom was doing her absolute best to contain it but let's face it, a tantrum isn't stopping until that kid is good and ready. Parents aren't actually magicians. As much as they would like to be able to just tell their kid to chill out, that rarely works. So yes, it was loud. And it was loud for like, 20 minutes but eventually it got quiet.

What I didn't know, was that my downstairs neighbor had come up and asked the mom if everything was okay and could she please control her child or take her outside because he had work to do.
Can I just mention, he's a voice teacher and I have lived with piano and voice lessons under my feet for two years without a single complaint on my part no matter how annoying repetitively hearing the music to Willy Wonka may be?

That time, I took the high road. I went and apologized to him. Because it really was very loud. But my client was very upset. I smoothed things over with the neighbor and the mom and went on with my business.

Imagine my shock, anger, and desire to punch a dude in the face to find out that last week while I was meeting with the 6-year old again, Mr. Neighbor came upstairs and entered my waiting room. Apparently the sound of the toddler running down the hallway for about 10 minutes was too much to handle. Also apparently, knocking on my office door was too much to handle as well. He bitched the mom out. AGAIN. I didn't actually see it, but when I came out at the end of session it was to a mother in angry tears. Add to that the immense stress I had been under last week and how I genuinely was feeling at my breaking point. I had literally collapsed into tears earlier in the day, blaming myself for a court related issue I had misunderstood and I thought I had completely failed that client. (I was wrong, things turned out okay. But it sucked anyway.)

So instead of directly confronting the neighbor, I called the landlord. Because seriously, I felt my blood pressure rise. People do not seem to understand that a therapy office is supposed to be a safe place. This is where trauma is treated. I don't use surgical tools but I am working with people's brains and it's kind of important that the space I occupy be warm and comforting. Not to mention, I am very protective of my clients. Nobody messes with them. Not on my watch.

Mr. Neighbor killed the warm fuzzy feeling and I wanted to completely go off on him.

I know that involving a landlord can potentially make things worse, but we have the sweetest, calmest lady landlord ever. I knew she would talk to him professionally and respectfully. Two things I could not guarantee. She called me when she'd spoken to him and said he had told her it was going on for a half hour and was soooo loud and insisted he was sweet as pie to the mother. Whatever. The landlord asked me what I wanted to do and I told her I didn't want to do anything. That I had needed to address a situation and it was so I was over it.

Until last week when I actually saw the dude and he gave me the nastiest dirty look I have ever seen.

And I immediately wanted to slap him across the face. Because I got a weird vibe from him when we met, and now I want nothing to do with him.

I have, in fact, written a nice apology note that I'd intended to put in his mailbox. In the note I explained my stress level and my choice to involve the landlord and that I was sorry if that had freaked him out but I didn't know what else to do.

I still have that letter. It's on my desk at work. But every time I look at it now, I don't want to give it to him. I am sorely tempted to say screw it and screw him but...I work above him. I've been there for over two years and have no plans of moving.

What's an Angry Shrink to do?

So...yeah. Awkward.