Binge Eating

Sometimes, I make bad decisions. I used to make bad decisions on a regular basis but over the past few years with a lot of self-reflection and therapy, I've managed to cut down the number dramatically but it still happens. Mostly when I'm left largely to my own devices and there is some sort of food item within reach. Something about snacking is just irresistible to me but there are days when I take it way too far. Yesterday would be a great example of this as I single-handedly polished off a jar of dry roasted peanuts. There was easily half a jar, if not more in there when the day began. But unfortunately, by bed time, that jar was empty of its salty snack goodness. And an entire Lindt chocolate bar was gone.

I definitely have a binge eating problem. If I decide (with zero real logic) that a food item isn't fattening I pretty much give myself full permission to devour it. This is a problem for many reasons, not the least of which being my 2:30 a.m. wake-up call for Zantac due to the churning pain and heartburn only overeating can provide. In my head I rationalize the eating by telling myself they are "safe" foods. Safe foods won't make me hugely obese therefore I go way overboard with them. I'm pretty sure, however, that eating an entire Honey Dew Melon or ingesting enough peanuts to poop brittle isn't normal.

If a client were to come to me with this issue I would ask, "What do you feel before, during, and after a binge?" For me the answer is, before it happens I am fine...baseline normal. Usually I'll be reading or watching TV and in the back of my head a little voice will be whispering "Snack. Peanuts. Salty, crunchy, non-fattening, protein...Stop! They are fattening and you're going to get a stomach ache. Well....I guess a handful or two won't matter..."

During the binge, my brain is saying to me, "OMG These are so yummy. Nom nom nom.... Just one more handful, that was a little handful have one more, okay, really this is my last one...no really, this is it....they're so small and crunchy, they can't possibly be that bad. It's okay to binge on something like this because it's low carb and not even candy..."

Once the jar of peanuts is gone my brain then moves to, "I can't believe you just ate that entire jar of peanuts. Well, three-quarters of the jar...I didn't eat the whole thing at once. I spread it out over the day, that makes it better. Wow, I am really full of peanuts. I'm basically a Reese's peanut butter cup right now. Except I'm white chocolate instead of milk or dark. Albino peanut butter cup - what's up now?

Other binge worthy items for me include but are not limited to: coffee, chocolate, fruit in general, diet snacks such as Skinny Cow or Weight Watchers items. Anything approved by the Engine 2 Diet or that is vegan. Because they're already diet, therefore the more the merrier.
Where does this train of thought even come from??

Anyway, I need to stop binge eating. I could never be a drug addict or an alcoholic but a food addict? Oh that I can do. Food is the drug society accepts without question. We judge overweight people but at the end of the day, food is non-negotiable. We have to eat to live. So where's the line between eating to live and living to eat?

I don't have that answer right this moment. But I do need to walk down to the Recycle bin to get rid of this jar. Keeping the evidence? No thank you.

That's what I'm saying.