Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Mini Meltdowns Happen

The reason posts like my last one exist is because there is

I've been working with kids since 1996 despite the fact that I went to Hartt for a degree in music management. The minute I graduated high school I got a job as a paraprofessional for a special needs child at summer camp. That kid was physically terrifying to me because he was insanely fragile, in a wheelchair, and had to be hand fed by me. So yeah, that was a quite the eye opener.

So when I write these blogs it is critical that I be clear in stating when I write it is from a place that's been 16 years in the making. Only now, at this point, do I feel like I've marinated enough to be serving my shit up on a platter.

I fear I may come across as negative or burnt out. That I may be crossing boundaries and someone could get offended and make my life miserable. That there could be backlash. Which is why, sometimes, I will write something, leave it up for a little while, then it may be deleted or removed from view. Not because it's a bad post but because first and foremost I have my practice and my clients to protect from any harm that could befall them. Like I've said, we live in a litigious society where people love to sue, harass, bully, and lash out at anyone they perceive to be a threat to them.

If anything, I'm writing this stuff to help me process events that have happened, that I've witnessed or been a part of. Some of those events were all me and my doing. Others were seen from the sideline. Either way, they are etched into my brain and become almost PTSD-like in the reactions they bring out in me. Trauma, in a nutshell, is a domino effect. Seeing something that in some way reminds you consciously or unconsciously of past events that caused harm or pain.

So please know that I in no way, shape, or form mean anyone harm ever. I may seem to hate some people but my truth is that when people wildly overreact, lash out, flip their switch, become raging assholes etc, it is because they are coming from a place of fear. And every single one of us is capable of being swept away by fear if we do not have the knowledge and insight to recognize it when it's happening. I went 34 years without knowing the truth about how fear driven I was. Fear kept me on the couch eating chocolate and gaining weight for the past five years. It kept me from enjoying my life as I allowed the belief that I don't deserve anything good because I am a colossal failure for 14 years.

Fourteen. Years.

And then...I took a chance and went to figure some shit out. I went by myself to a wellness center called Kripalu in Western Mass and took a seminar with an amazing human being who is the expert in fear. Rhonda Britten is her name and if you're curious, Google her and check out her story. It is amazing, heartbreaking, and inspiring.

She gave me the tools to recognize my truth and to fight back against the voice in my head whispering so quietly I had never heard it before: "You don't deserve this! You're shit! You suck! You ruin everything!"

She also freed me to find my truth which in my case, is pretty simple: Every single one of us has pain. Every single person you walk by, drive by, flip the bird to in traffic, buy your coffee from, whatever; every single one of them has a story. I have the best job in the world because I get to meet and know people who would never cross my path any other way. I get to see people for their truth. Exposed and vulnerable so I know, without doubt, every human being does the best they can with what they've got.
Even when they're hurting others, being selfish/narcissistic, making bad decisions...they're really just trying to manage their fear and they don't have the tools to do it with.

So I guess Michael Stipe was on to something with the whole, "Everybody Hurts" song. I feel you buddy, I do. I'm just like, not gonna shave my head mmkay?

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