TV Therapy - Fun or Quack-tastic?

I just saw the episode where Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and brother Robert Kardashian, go to family therapy with their mother, Chris Jenner.. That sound you just heard? Was one part: my heart going squishy, and three parts: Total Jealousy.

The woman they chose to put on television as their therapist is pictured here. Her name is Dr. Nicki Montvi and she practices therapy with celebrities and most assuredly gets paid a ton of money.

Dr. Nicki Montvi, MFCT.
Whatever that is.
www.stucknomore.com

After appearing with the Kardashians on TV she gained a lot of attention and curiosity. She is largely shred to pieces by this helpful website.
http://206.82.221.135/showthread.php?p=13019566
Student Doctor Network (SDN) - This is the website that helped me research her credentials. It appears as though she earned a doctorate from a non-accredited university. Possibly an online school. As they mention on the SDN - Ph.D's are not earned in 18 months. That doesn't stop folks who go out and get those quickie Ph.D's from billing under whatever degree their license is under but advertising themselves as Doctor to make themselves look more impressive. And not explaining that to their clients because, why confuse people?

I am struggling with this Dr. Nicki. How is she able to be on television doing therapy with quite possibly the most recognized family of reality TV? A job I would seriously, if not kill for probably...probably maim for. Yeah. I've got the cojones.

As I scanned through the forum on this SDN Convo, I had mixed feelings. Dr. Nicki didn't do terrible work with the Kardashians. She clearly got through to them and facilitated a shift that desperately needed to take place. I may not agree with some of her choices outside of the therapy room, but I can't complain about the work I saw her do.

Someone watching the Kardashians in therapy saw, possibly for the first time, how therapy works, what happens in the room, what kind of things a therapist might say, what emotions might come up and how they could be handled. After seeing a family go through therapy and come out better for it, I can't help but think that may just be the push necessary to get to a therapist's office.

I don't know  if this makes me a total freak who will be black-balled from the cool kids table, but I really enjoy some of the therapy I've seen on television. In fact, some of it has directly inspired me to try things in my private practice. My personal favorite was Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab's decision to bring his patients, some of whom still having withdrawl symptoms - bonus! - to a junk lot. At that lot, Dr. Drew revealed the celebs would be provided with blunt objects with which to smash and destroy a car! A whole car! Seriously - they will never forget the day they were handed a sledge-hammer and given license to dole out pure rage and destruction on an expensive and wildly, wonderfully, inappropriately awesome object.

I had a dream of re-creating that anger exercise and this past spring I got to make it come true. By having the best landlord ever I was able to provide this experience to four girls who really deserved the opportunity to kick the crap out of something. Best. Therapy. Ever!

You know you're a little jealous right now.
It's okay.

Mirrors - painted & smashed!

We fear what we do not understand. For many people the world of therapy and self-help in general is a terrifying unknown. All they have learned about the concept has been taught to them by older generations who shunned the very notion of psychology. The "stiff upper lippers" I like to call them. They are wildly out of touch yet we still find ourselves listening to them.

De-mystification is our greatest ally on the healing path. Fear stops movement, including healing and moving on

Heart Pain

It's like watching someone you love die. But without the reassurance that their pain will be over. That they have gone on to a better place and are at peace.
Instead, I watch the slow withering death of a mother who has lost her children due to extraordinarily bizarre and disgusting circumstances.
A part of me dies with her. It's impossible to be so close to someone else's soul being eaten by a parasite, and not respond with visceral ferocity.
There are times I feel hate in my heart these days. It feels wrong there, it doesn't belong and it goes against my grain. I am a warm, fuzzy person. (Mostly. Just don't mess with my fur kids.)  I have never really, genuinely, wished someone ill.
Except this bitch in high school. She was an awful human being. She literally made friends with me but when boys liked me better than her she would get crazy jealous and angry. Perhaps it didn't occur to her that the near-constant sheen of oil on her forehead combined with an awkward, lanky frame was what kept throwing them off the scent.
(Hah! Burn! 15 years later and I still got it!) (Apologies. That was immature. But I'm leaving it in. Ha!)
At one point, she literally got so jealous of me she stole my boyfriend by offering to bang him. So she banged my boyfriend. You'd think that would be enough "revenge" right? Alas, she never changed her ways. It has to be said that her finest moment of all time was writing "Fuck Off Erin" on my locker.
Classy right?
(I'm trying to swear less but...editing would have weakened the depth of my teenage pain.)

I completely dissolved into tears by the way. In the middle of the busiest hallway in the school during passing time first thing in the morning. I confronted her and her minions, but couldn't even get the words out I was so upset. This girl had been nice to me. I literally could not wrap my head around why she would be nice to me if she hated me so much? Why go to the trouble? That kind of bullshit girl aggression had never occurred to me. She just stood there, looking down at the floor by the way. Then I went to my vice principal and he immediately had my locker painted. (Thank you Mr. Maccarone!)

It had happened to me on more than one occasion - girl aggression that is. But I never really fought back or sought revenge. It just wasn't in me. When girls said I was "fake" because I smiled a lot and was really nice to people (like, actual nice - quite possibly a foreign concept to some people) it actually genuinely hurt. So harsh people! Jeez!

Anyway, even with all that crap, which, when you're 17 is a really, really big deal I never wished any one those girls harm. Not even Skanky McBoyfriend-Banger. I just didn't see the point.

Regarding my earlier situation, however, the stakes are a million times higher. No one here gets to graduate and move on. High school is fleeting. The effects can last forever. But this train wreck of a situation? This has burned its way into my heart and left marks. I won't be shaking this off any time soon and you can damn well believe neither will those involved in this debacle.
I have never held hate in my heart but lately I have felt it surge a few times and I can't believe how angry I am capable of being.

I know, I know...Sigh.

Heh.

                                                                                         

Cough Syrup - Not Just for Mucus Anymore

As I stood in line the other night at my local CVS I became aware of some sort of scuffle a few feet behind me. I ignored it of course because by that point in my day the superhero cape was off and I'd left my tiara in the car. However, the scuffle grew louder and before I knew it an angry lady was shoving her way past me. As the automatic doors failed to sense her presence and open quickly enough for a fast exit, she turned back and shouted at the young employee something along the lines of "How dare you speak to me that way? F**k you and your store!" Cue dramatic flouncing and wrestling of doors. (I think she was trying to slam them behind her but...um...it's not that kind of door so...yeah, awkward.)

Apparently, the employee had caught her messing around with cough syrup. I shit you not, this easily 40-something woman had been trying to get high in the middle of CVS. Really lady? You couldn't just do like the kids do and shoplift quietly? Sigh.

Anyway, parents - here's the thing. Kids are getting high off incredibly stupid things. Delsym - cough syrup, is extremely popular as is cold medicine is almost all forms - the kind that's supposed to make you drowsy so you can sleep through the pain of post-nasal drip. If your kid develops a sudden taste for NyQuil, you should probably be concerned. Because what they do is drink the entire bottle (or half depending on the mood). This makes them "trip" - you know, hallucinate and stuff, it also produces a feeling of euphoria. This is because the medications are meant to make you sleep like a rock but, if you stay awake, your brain doesn't know what the hell is going on.
Meh, it's just over the counter stuff, kids will be kids... What's the big deal you say? Well, the problem is that these meds are not intended for fun use and they can quite effectively slow heart rates down to near comatose levels. If mixed with alcohol they can suppress the respiratory system. Completely. So basically? Seriously? Be on the lookout for medication you did not buy.
Or, if your kid seems to have suspiciously clear sinus passages - go ahead and investigate that too.

As far as flipping out and swearing at people in public goes, well, we all have bad days. We all lash out at people who don't deserve it sometimes. We have all made bad decisions. So I'm not judging the crazy lady in CVS because for all I know, her life is a wreck and she's hanging on by a thread. That doesn't make what she did okay but it does free me up to giggle and be grateful I wasn't the asshole today! Score!

Trust your gut

As a therapist it's my job to be able to sit with someone when they are at their lowest. It's my job to help pull unresolved emotions and fears out of the sub-conscious and into the harsh light of day. This is seldom an attractive or fun process. Feeling things that we are afraid to feel or face takes extraordinary courage. I believe it's my job to make that experience a safe and supported one. I can't take the pain away from my clients but I can provide them a safe, accepting space to experience it. While I encourage all of my clients to speak their truth and be their most authentic selves, I recognize that's asking a lot.

What happens in a therapy office is already charged with emotion and weight. The fact that the individuals involved were unable to resolve whatever it is on their own, is already a sore subject. For many people, asking for help is on par with admitting failure. It is considered a weakness and something to be ashamed of. I have never understood this because I am more than happy to ask for help when I am able to recognize I need it. Unfortunately, recognizing that need and admitting to what it means are two different things.

How do you recognize when you're trying to avoid something or shut it down completely? Look around at what's going on in your life in this moment. Where would you say you are feeling frustrated or stuck? By the way, "nowhere" is not an option. Everybody has stuff. The chances that you are the one person in well over a billion people on earth with zero spots in your life that could use some patching and fresh paint are beyond minimal. Take a step back and look at that statistic. Still think you don't have any life areas that could use a tweak? Congratulations. You can now stop reading this post and return to your life of bliss and leisure. The rest of us will be over here.

Take a moment right now to notice your body. Do a quick scan from head to toe and notice if any part of you stands out either because it feels a bit tight, warm, tingly, sore, achy, acidic, hot, whatever. Place your hands over any place you feel any of these sensations, draw your attention to that spot. Notice how it feels, keep noticing, don't try to stop it from feeling that way. Don't talk yourself out of it. No soothing. Not yet. Allow the sensation to grow and connect to your hands covering the spot. Really feel it. Even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts.

Spend a minimum of 60 seconds (don't rush!) noticing that sensation, enduring the discomfort, and really listening to the message your body is trying to send. Gently ask yourself (or your inner child if you're feeling it) what do I need? What do I need right here, right now, to help me understand and honor this sensation. What is the message?

Do it! Trust your gut! Now!

Your body will communicate its need to you. It will never lie to you even when the truth hurts. Your body knows it can tolerate the pain, its your psyche that its trying to protect. When you close your eyes and allow yourself to connect fully to the sensations provided by your body you will receive a message - through your minds eye you may see images, words may float up to you, you may notice you are able to hear or smell bits of memory you've long forgotten. Whatever you experience - it is the right thing. There is no way to do this wrong. If you're really listening to yourself you know what you need. You may have to promise yourself that you will do what your body is asking for. If you do this, if you make a promise to yourself, you must keep it. Going that deep into your psyche and asking for feedback then failing to follow through is tantamount to abuse. You deserve to keep promises you've made to yourself. You've chosen to ask for feedback, it's now your responsibility to make sure to follow through.*

As a therapist, I feel it is of heightened importance that we practice what we preach. Is is essential that we allow ourselves to experience authentic emotion. We must be able to stand through the storm of our own emotions if we are going to be able to help anyone. We need to able to stay, "I've stood through it too. I've experienced everything you're going through right now and can honestly tell you, it won't destroy you, it will make you stronger. All you have to do is feel it and respond however you feel is best. Let's talk about it."

*An amazing local therapist taught me the importance of this. Her name is Yudit Maros, and she has actually created an entire modality based on the importance of authenticity.

I Walk the Line

Here's the thing. I pride myself on being objective and clinical when I step back and assess what's going on with a client. I am a big picture person. I look at the whole shebang from childhood to the future ten years down the road. I am without doubt attached to my clients. I am protective of them and because of that I work with outside agencies on their behalf on a regular basis. It's a hard line to walk sometimes. Not getting emotionally involved on some level is basically impossible for me. I know there are other therapists out there who don't have this problem. They don't connect with their clients on the deeper level I actually pride myself on. In grad school we were taught that successful therapy is 85% dependent on the relationship between therapist and client. You can use whatever modality you want, if that client is not invested they are not going to get results.

This doesn't mean I like or agree with things clients do all the time. However, I challenge myself to remember that their diagnosis does not define them. It is a part of their lives but it is not who they are. If I reject them or judge them what is the point of them coming to see me? They can get rejection and judgment anywhere - for free and without having to drive all they way to my office. It's my job to tell them, "Hey, I saw what you did there. I'm curious about it and I think you are too. Let's figure out what happened and how to move forward."

In all the years I have been doing therapy I have never been wrong. About anyone. And this time I know I'm right, but it doesn't matter. What I am learning (and it is a bitter lesson) is that I can be right about someone all day long but if CPS has decided something, there is nothing I can say or do to change that. In fact, the harder I try to make my case, the worse it goes. Advocate too strongly and I look like I'm overemotional and blinded. Step back and say nothing, it looks like I'm abandoning and distancing myself from the case - yet another nail in the coffin.

What I am experiencing is an absolute travesty of justice. Obviously, I can't give details but I can say watching children be hurt and traumatized because of the small-minded, short-sightedness of the people in power is sickening. Watching family members destroy each other, use children as pawns, and generally make punishing a parent into a game for sport, is nauseating. And heart burn inducing.

This again brings me to a place of powerlessness. And it is this feeling, this experience, that makes me say I don't want to do this forever. I don't think I can survive it. I never understood why so many therapists won't see children or even take state insurance. And don't get me wrong, I totally judge them for that because I think it's shallow but at the same time I can understand the desire to avoid the heartbreak and acid reflux.

Thankfully, despite my horror at news that things just keep getting worse, I have yoga group this morning. I will go forth and do some light processing and relaxing yoga with some lovely clients then I will get on with my day and see friends as planned. This does not define me or my life. I will not deny there is a palpable impact. But if I am to survive this career choice of mine, I have to resist the urge to fixate on the bad and let myself be sucked down into the darkness. I am no good to anyone if I let that happen. People need me to be okay because if I'm okay, they're okay. I can help, I can contribute, I can empathize, but only if I take care of myself and consciously and consistently force relaxation and distance. They are my life rafts and I am holding on to them with an iron grip.

Damn. That second part is hard!