Sunday, October 28, 2012

Suck It Sandy

Dear Hurricane Sandy,

Thank you for making me feel like a sitting duck in my own living room. As I await your undoubtedly messy and horrible arrival I look back upon this time last year. When there was another storm of this magnitude headed towards us. I didn't take that last storm very seriously. When the power flickered and turned off before that storm even really started, I didn't worry. I knew things would be back to normal in a day.

I was WRONG.

No power for a week. Longer for many. Lots of outrage and complaining. People stuck in shelters, some unable to leave their street because of the trees falling and blocking their escape.

Total. Bullshit. Chaos.

Not this time Mother Nature. Not this time.

Today I will fill my bathtub with water so I can flush the toilet. I have a well, that makes this necessary. I will not live in a house where poo remains in the toilet for longer than absolutely necessary.

Today I will do enough laundry to last a freaking month. I will run the dishwasher, dryer, washer, vacuum and any other thing that requires electricity. Today I will earn that electric bill like it's my last chance to ever make a Panini on the sandwich press. The Magic Bullet will make me smoothies and the George Foreman Grill will make me whatever I can find and fit on it.

I will have the television on all day. I will use my glorious wireless internet to do absolutely nothing of value.

If I had an electric can opener no can would be safe.

Today I will use as much electricity as possible.

Because I have no idea when my next chance will be to microwave my leftovers.

Be safe kids. Batten down the hatches. Find your flashlights, candles, tiny lanterns, and radios. Charge the cell phones, iPads, Kindles, whatever. Eat anything in your fridge you think is too expensive to let spoil. Eat your ice cream. And your Popsicles.

Hurricane Sandy is coming. And word on the street is, she's a bitch.


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