Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Going Viral

The past couple of days have given me the horrible reminder that human. Like, for real. And sometimes humans get sick and there's nothing we can do except ride it out and hope for the best. That was my plan at least. I don't know if there's much more I could do for a stomach bug.

My preparations for illness haven't actually changed much since I was a kid. At this point,  I've gotten it down to a science. First, I sequestered myself in the bedroom in order to help quarantine the cooties. Not doing so would just be mean. Also, I prefer to be alone when I don't feel good. Way less yelling happens that way.  I called upon Jacob to bring me the Trifecta: water, ginger ale, and Saltine Crackers. The Saltines are my big guns. Normally I would only eat them with some sort of delicious topping or perhaps in soup. When those babies get pulled out, and there's no peanut butter to be found, that's when I know I'm sick.

When ill I find it necessary and completely appropriate to become totally committed to it. Why go halfway I ask? If you're sick enough to stay home from work, you're sick enough to go full diva.

No I will NOT accept  the cheap tissues! It's Puffs Plus with Lotion or bust! I don't care that it's a stomach bug and I don't need them! They're part of the deal.  They have soothing lotion in them! And don't even think about coming at me with your weak ass, generic ginger ale. Canada Dry or death I say. It has real ginger - an actual homeopathic aide for stomach ouchies.

Approved television includes but is not limited to: Friends (any season will do, but preferably season four), The Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter movies, and occasionally, on the most dire of occasions, Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming guys. Just. Keep. Swimming. Gets me every time.

And what's that? You want to go out and get yourself something to eat and leave me here all alone? Well screw you buddy! It must be nice! Why don't you take your stupid solid food and frosty beverage elsewhere because this is a registered virus zone and we have no room for food chewing hooligans in here.

I can't even tell you how screwed I would have been...
The good news is, the storm has passed and things are getting back to normal. Well, normal as far as I'm concerned which may very well be a different definition of normal than what you're used to. Nonetheless, big thank you to Jacob for delivering the goods even if he refused to touch or hug me in any fashion for the past few days. I'm hoping his plan of No Touchies! works for him because that virus sucked really bad. And I'm pretty sure he'll blame me anyway.

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